Nathan Danville

It's just life… I'm just sayin'

Top Ten Survival Tips for a Post Apocalyptic World

It’s an insanely crazy world we live in. We continually teeter on the precipice of cataclysmic Armageddon. So, how does one ensure one’s survival should all hell break loose? Simple. Follow the top ten survival tips for a post apocalyptic world and you may very well be one of the few, the proud, the remaining.

  1. Learn to shoot a high-powered rifle and carry a big caliber handgun. As a new millennium Mad Max, it is imperative that you can easily take down a scrawny coyote at hundred yards with your Ruger® Mini-14, but also defend yourself against your fellow Mad Max compatriot who suddenly turns on you after eating Spam and eggs for the 685th day.
  2. Be sure to double-tap. While Hollywood may have used the double-tap as a bit of humor in the wildly funny movie Zombieland, they likely had no idea how important Rule #2 is in the New World Order. Don’t think the vermin or stranger you just shot once in self-defense or for your next meal is totally without recourse for your quick reflexes and instantaneous identification of a threat or prey. While your dinner may seem incapable of rising up from the ashes of its demise like the mythical phoenix, make no mistake a nuclear winter can cause inexplicable mutations in otherwise normal-seeming creatures. So, be sure and double-tap your targets.
  3. Stock up on Spam, Potted Meat, and Hostess Twinkies. While this may not be the diet of table tennis champions, it may well be just what the TV doctor ordered for the post-apocalyptic citizen. These things have enough preservatives to keep Larry King going for another 200 years. Rumor has it, the preservatives in the Twinkies he consumes every day is what has enabled him to survive eight marriages.
  4. Don’t drive a Prius. C’mon, do you really think the wimps that drive these “eco-friendly” death tramps are going to survive the end of times to enjoy the planet they saved?
  5. Always carry a bottle of Crazy Mother Pucker’s Liquid Lava Hot Sauce in your pocket. Imagine you are out experiencing the wonder and beauty of the barren landscape of your new world laid waste by nuclear proliferation run amok and you come upon a incapacitated flock of vultures that had recently succumbed to an aggressive strain of parasitic infestation. This tasty meal just wouldn’t be complete without the delicious, explosive power of Crazy Mother Pucker’s Liquid Lava Hot Sauce. And remember, those pesky little parasites likely cannot handle the sauce made for real men.
  6. Use an OtterBox to protect your Angry Birds device. Playing Angry Birds not only provides you with endless hours of entertainment on those cold, moonless nights on the vast devastated prairie you now call home, but Angry Birds will teach you realistic strategies for taking out those pesky zombies holed up in abandoned lean-tos. Valuable entertainment and survival skill instruction such as this must be protected and the indestructible OtterBox will protect your iPhone 15 from the ravages of man, beast, and radiation even in sub-zero summer days.
  7. Carry the entire collection of Slim Whitman on your iPhone 15 as a national defense strategy. If we have learned anything as a species in the ten years prior to the Great Climate Change, it’s how to defend ourselves against the inevitable invasion by our celestial Martian neighbors. It is wildly believed that when mankind lay wastes to this big blue marble floating in space, the Martians will find our lack of natural resources and poisonous atmosphere an irresistible prize. For a quick lesson on this documented strategic military maneuver, watch Mars Attacks or read the next sentence for an in-depth explanation. In case of a Martian invasion simply blast the sweet, melodic sounds of the immortal Slim Whitman through the toxic airwaves and the Martians heads will explode nearly instantaneously. All that will be left for you to do is simply sop up the soupy martian goo.
  8. Learn the 1001 things you can do with martian goo. After single-handedly putting down the Great Martian Invasion, you will have a virtually unlimited supply of martian goo. This smelly miracle of intergalactic mystery has more uses than Silly Putty and duct tape combined. We don’t have the time, space, patience, or intelligence to go into the plethora of uses of martian goo here, but trust us, there are at least 1001 things you can make from martian goo. From martian goo casserole to martian goo intimacy lubricant, you and your survival buddy will enjoy endless hours of personal enjoyment and practical uses of the green stinky goo.
  9. Discover the joy and practical uses of spent uranium fuel rods. One of the most illuminating and exciting benefits of surviving and thriving in the post nuclear proliferation period of mankind is free access to spent uranium fuel rods. It’s hard to believe these radioactive beauties were considered toxic waste by mankind before the Great Event. Spent nuclear fuel rods provide a virtual endless source of natural warmth on those cold nuclear winter nights. Spent fuel rods are great as game pieces too. Enjoy playing pick-up uranium sticks with your neighbor Crazy Joe or a healthy game of fetch with your blind, three-legged, and mange-encrusted canine.
  10. Be prepared to eat everyone you meet. The single, most important tip of all should you wish to survive and thrive in the next age of mankind is this. No matter how much Spam, potted meat, and Hostess Twinkies you manage to stockpile, the reality is, you will run out of these staples. Unless of course, you don’t follow the other rules and end up dead by any one of a million billion risks, opportunists, or Darwin. Yes, Darwin will survive a nuclear holocaust along with each and everyone of those amazing cockroaches. But, I digress. It is very important to your survival in this new world to view each and every one you meet as your next meal. The harsh reality is, in this dog-eat-dog world, it’s eat or be eaten. So, don’t forget rule #5.

The True Meaning of Politics

Ever wonder why we despise politics? It is universally accepted that politicians are among the lowest lifeforms know to man. Politicians are the practitioners of the art of politics and to understand the drive and motivation of a politician is really a simple matter of breaking down the word politics. So, for your edification, I submit to you, the true meaning of politics.

The word politics is made up of two root words: poli and tics. Let’s further analyze these two root words.

The first word poli or poly is derived from Greek polus ‘much,’ polloi ‘many.’ Obviously, we have many, many, many politicians attempting to take it upon themselves to improve our lives in the most direct and fundamental way possible; namely, increasing our taxes. Julius Caesar understood the power of taxation, not only as a means to raise revenue for the Roman Empire, but also as a means to control behavior of the masses. King George III also understood the power of taxation, but also experienced the “un-intentional consequences” of taxation without representation with the loss of the Colonies. Hence, we understand that throughout history, and even to this day, there have been many politicians that wish to… let’s move on to the next root word before we complete this thought.

Tics/ticks. There are two definitions of this word and both seem to be applicable in the description of politics. We will consult the New Oxford American Dictionary whose definition of tic is: “a habitual spasmodic contraction of the muscles, most often in the face. A characteristic or recurrent behavioral trait; idiosyncrasy.” Virtually every politician I have seen or met in person or on TV or radio exhibited this habitual spasmodic contraction of the facial muscles usually around the mouth. Like my dad used to quip, ‘How do you know a politician is lying? His lips are moving.’ By this definition of tics we know that politics are made up of many habitual liars.

Deer Tick or a Politician?

Deer Tick or a Politician?

Of course, there is a second definition of a tic or tick should we use a slightly different spelling. A tick, according to the New Oxford American Dictionary is “a parasitic arachnid that attaches itself to the skin of a terrestrial vertebrate from which it sucks blood, leaving the host when sated.” Maybe this is a more accurate description of what politics truly is all about; many blood-sucking parasites. Given the way politicians at all levels of government from the local level to the national have a seemingly endless appetite for our hard-earned money, I tend to believe they are two-legged parasites with a habitual spasmodic contraction of the muscles causing the spewing of unkept promises while sucking as much of our money as possible right out of our pockets. The only difference between most politicians and the arachnid described by the dictionary, is the arachnid will leave the host alone after the tick is satisfied.

So, there we have it, the true meaning of politics. And like another parasite that has made the news of late, bedbugs, there seems to be no good way of getting rid of politicians. It doesn’t matter whether they are Democrat or Republican these people are after one thing, our blood. Maybe the makers of Off! can come up with a pest repellent for these hungry hordes.

Quote from Adrian Rogers

The quote from Adrian Rogers below is one of the best quotes I’ve heard explaining a dangerous path our nation must avoid. Please feel free to post your thoughts and opinions.

“Friend, you cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom.  And what one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

The government can’t give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody. And when half of the people get the idea they don’t have to work because the other half’s going to take care of them, and when the other half get the idea it does no good to work because somebody’s going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation.” – Adrian Rogers

Props to Honest People

Technology is everywhere in our lives. And, like most Americans, my family has a small fortune invested in technology from mp3 players to flat panel televisions. The potential for a loss of any one of these expensive electronic gadgets is high. This fact was highlighted in my home when my wife lost her second iPhone 4 about six weeks ago.

I won’t go into what happened to my wife’s first iPhone 4; that will be the subject of another post someday. Her second iPhone 4 was a replacement for the first one and she barely had it a month when it suddenly went missing. We searched everywhere we could think of but could not find it. Totally bummed and unwilling to shell out another $500 for a third iPhone 4, my wife pulled out her stored-away iPhone 3GS and had it reactivated. She decided she would want for the fifth generation iPhone to come out and then upgrade to the newer model.

This past Saturday, we received a call from a man at the Publix supermarket down the road from our home asking for Beth. He had found an iPhone 4 at the store and wanted to know if we had lost one and, if so, could we identify it. Turns out, he found the phone in the store, attempted to identify the owner by connecting it to iTunes, and ultimately went to the local AT&T store where they gave him the phone number of the owner, my wife.

I stopped by Publix the next day and met with the assistant customer service manager, Dennis, who had called us about the phone. He was a young man, very professional and very kind. I explained who I was, my wife’s name, and described the background on the phone. He said he knew my wif’e's first name because it said “Beth’s iPhone” when he connected it to iTunes.

It was a such a reassuring and refreshing experience having someone call and tell us he had found an expensive smart phone. Moreover, he went to the trouble of going to the AT&T store to find the owner. He could have simply pulled the SIM card and listed the phone on eBay and gotten a couple of hundred dollars for it. But, Dennis has class, integrity and a genuine good heart. It is so good to see there are still honest people in the world today and many of them are part of the young generation that will be leading our country in the very near future. Thank you Dennis!

When Tuesday is a Monday

Yesterday was July 4th. A day of celebration in whatever fashion an American deems appropriate to remember, give thanks, and otherwise pay tribute to the birth of our great nation.

I spent this holiday with my family, relaxing, and not thinking about the office. I made sure our flag was flying outside the house, I put my favorite little garden sign out front of the house that proclaims, what I believe are the basic, founding tenets of our country: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Today, July 5th is back to the office and the first and most difficult challenge for me was getting into work mode. This is usually a daunting task for me on any given Monday. But, here it is Tuesday and I am faced with the seemingly insurmountable mission of organizing my thoughts, my day, and my activities so that I may be successfully productive. The fact that today is Tuesday makes it even more pressing to get things moving; after all, there are only three more days before this week is over.

So, I here find myself blogging about the fact that, having been at work for nearly two hours and fifteen minutes, I have only managed to accomplish resubmitting a security access request that I had submitted last week. So, at best, I have ensured that last week didn’t become less productive than it was when I arrived in the office this morning. My next goal is to complete a task in the next two hours that normally would take me four hours to do. By completing this yet-undiscovered engagement in two hours I may feel I have not wasted the first two hours of the day.

Three-day weekends are great, but it invariably means the rest of the work week must be far more productive than usual. When Tuesday is a Monday, one is challenged to complete twice the work just to break even. I think I may be overworked this week… maybe I will take Friday off and enjoy another three-day weekend.